No, I'm Sleeping: 2023 05 04

2023 05 04

"They couldn't really play their instruments at all. That's why they did all those ridiculous tunings and stuff. But, yeah. Everyone who's into Midwest Emo is required to visit that old white-sided house in Urbana once in their life; walk around it seven times, bow their heads, kiss it. Because of that record."

Zach won't be satisfied until I listen to this American Football record. Dinner is over, everyone is saying goodbye, I go downstairs and the first search result on YouTube is something called Never Meant. The thumbnail clearly depicts what must be the aforementioned white-sided house. 'This must be the Kaaba.' Do I like it? Do I see what he meant? I don't know but I put my Rickenbacker into D A D F# A D and make a mental note to think about it later.

***

"I love this song."

It appears to be some upbeat borderline-Christian neighwave folk pop about a woman beloved by the singer, and the song is titled the woman's name. I am listening to this song because JC -- the first girl I ever dated, back when we were children -- tagged me in an instagram story she posted about this song. The rest of her story contains the words "It's a shame nobody (other than @folpon) writes songs about the name JC."

Sitting on my sofa with the Rickenbacker and sort of staring into space. I admit I did once write a song about JC. She was my first love; it took me a long time to get over her. But what a bizarre gambit on her part, and why would she care to do such a thing, and would I be so pathetic as to respond? Sure, I do.

"Called out so brazenly, huh. The song is nice though."

"In a good way? You're so talented. And teenage feelings are the best and a fond memory!"

I find myself more confused at what the fuck is going on. But--

"Thanks. Yeah I was joking. Teenage feelings are fun to remember, for sure. And I think 'Jean Camille' has much better cadence for a song than 'JC' does. Maybe I'll give it a try."

***

Jean Camille~~/

Such a something something/

Such a big deal/

Spinning in a cyclone like a pinwheel~~/

***

No, nothing is working. I just don't remember those feelings anymore. I try and redo the song about my failure -- how I wish I could remember feelings that seemed shockingly real twenty years ago, but it's impossible, and isn't that (I guess) sad. But that doesn't feel real either, because actually I don't care that I don't care.

Did I see it peering through a microscope?/ Did I only read it in your horoscope?/ Did I realize it in my bedroom all alone?/ No, none of this works. I would just scrap the song at this point, but every time I give up the guitar riff creeps back into my head. It's too catchy to let it go. I rewrite the song again about my family: together for the love or for the vanity? It's too fast to sing. It's stupid, I dislike this too. Forget it. One of my clients from Longbeach College calls. I put my guitar back on the rack and type SQL commands for a couple hours then take a nap.

***

While napping I dream of a Canadian woman I used to be in love with. Nothing much happens -- we are in her apartment in Newfoundland, sitting on the couch, her cat begs for scratches. Because it is mid afternoon I am in that blissful frame of mind where I am dreaming, but not fully asleep, and am just barely conscious enough to think: Yes, it is such a relief to be here, in this dream, so gentle and without noise, violence, or any effort, like a bird in the air, instead of thinking about that song. And basically the second I finish thinking that thought the lyrics for the song instantly pour into head with no effort; the song is about Sleeping, it's called No, I'm Sleeping. Everything is better when I'm sleeping. You can't really bother me I'm sleeping. Yes. There's no need to overcomplicate things. I am allowed to say, simply, exactly what I am feeling in a moment of my life, and that's enough. I get out of bed, go downstairs, and record the topline and in an hour the song is done.